Will COVID lead to more breakups?
Interview with Sabrina Lakhani, USA
Published 17 May 2020
Interview with Sabrina Lakhani, USA
Published 17 May 2020
Foreword
At the onset of the lockdowns in India, which officially began on 24 March 2020, it occurred to me that I would be stuck at home and, unavoidably, spending a lot of time with my girlfriend of five years and counting. Whether our time together (in lockdown) would be constructive or destructive, meaningful or mundane, fun or boring, usual or different, individualistic or collaborative, healthy or unhealthy, had me wondering. We don't have kids yet (thankfully!) or any obligations to others outside of ourselves, and therefore there was nothing really that could distract us from facing the inevitable — our deepest needs, wants, fears, frustrations, wounds and anger. Of course, there is always the opiate of social media, Netflix and YouTube, but you can only self-medicate for so long. Would the lockdown bring us closer together or drive us apart? This was the fundamental question on my mind.
As I pondered what the lockdown would mean for me and my relationship, it occurred to me that others must be in the same boat. Surely, I cannot be the only one with these thoughts. Therefore, I decided to reach out to a friend, Sabrina Lakhani, who also happens to be a behavioral scientist with a special interest in relationships and a unique take on how people function in relationships based on two main archetypes — anxious and avoidant — known as "attachment styles".
Here are the questions that I put to Sabrina and her responses.
Here are the questions that I put to Sabrina and her responses.
1. What exactly is a behavioral scientist?
A behavioral scientist is someone who studies human decision making.
Technically, I’m an applied behavioral scientist because I use what we know about the human mind to better design and interpret market research and then infuse new learnings into marketing communications. The idea is that the better that we know our customers, the better that we’re able to serve them. With that said, there’s a fine line between marketing and manipulating. And there is certainly a grey area here, as there is with anything else. If you’ve seen the Cambridge Analytica documentary, you’re probably aware of how behavioral science can be used to manipulate the masses. On the flip side of this is a series on Netflix called Mindhunter, which explains how the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit was developed to stop serial killers in their tracks by studying their “psychological fingerprints”. |
2. How did you become a behavioral scientist?
I get this question a lot! I’ve also been asked if I always wanted to be a behavioral scientist. And the answer is no, not even close — because this field didn’t exist when I was a child.
However, I have been reading psychology books since I was 14, and originally this started as a means to answer questions about my own family dynamics. I wanted to know why my grandmother had certain favorites among her six children, and more specifically, why I was a “nobody” given that I was the daughter of her fourth son.
As I continued my private search, I had more and more questions related to gender roles, marriage, and in-laws. Growing up in such a big family, I had an entire “observation laboratory” surrounding me. I was reading these concepts and instantly applying what I was learning.
For example, when I realized that I will never be my paternal grandmother’s favorite granddaughter, I immediately distanced myself and quit trying to win her approval. This saved me so much unnecessary heartache. After that, I relied more on science than my emotions... that is until I got married, and my emotions trumped logic once again.
I married my best friend of 10 years, but our marriage lasted for only two years. As a scientist, I couldn’t just let it go and leave it in the past. What I discovered is that our past is always present and that our childhood patterns follow us through life.
However, there is a silver lining: neuro-plasticity — we can rewire our brains by feeding it new thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors, and through this, we can transform our attachment styles from insecure to secure.
However, I have been reading psychology books since I was 14, and originally this started as a means to answer questions about my own family dynamics. I wanted to know why my grandmother had certain favorites among her six children, and more specifically, why I was a “nobody” given that I was the daughter of her fourth son.
As I continued my private search, I had more and more questions related to gender roles, marriage, and in-laws. Growing up in such a big family, I had an entire “observation laboratory” surrounding me. I was reading these concepts and instantly applying what I was learning.
For example, when I realized that I will never be my paternal grandmother’s favorite granddaughter, I immediately distanced myself and quit trying to win her approval. This saved me so much unnecessary heartache. After that, I relied more on science than my emotions... that is until I got married, and my emotions trumped logic once again.
I married my best friend of 10 years, but our marriage lasted for only two years. As a scientist, I couldn’t just let it go and leave it in the past. What I discovered is that our past is always present and that our childhood patterns follow us through life.
However, there is a silver lining: neuro-plasticity — we can rewire our brains by feeding it new thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors, and through this, we can transform our attachment styles from insecure to secure.
We can completely transfigure our lives. When I got divorced, I thought I was doomed, but I later realized that was just the beginning of my real journey.
My deep scientific research coupled with life experiences is how I became a behavioral scientist.
My deep scientific research coupled with life experiences is how I became a behavioral scientist.
3. What impact do you think the lockdowns are having on couples? And is the impact different on married versus unmarried couples?
Everyone is experiencing varying levels of fear, anxiety, and stress, amidst all this uncertainty, and therefore, our biological attachment systems are activated more often and for longer periods of time. This means individuals and couples are experiencing threats (and sometimes perceived threats) to security, safety, stability, and survival.
For couples specifically, this is an additional test to see if their relationship is strong enough to withstand the pressures of the pandemic world. There’s no difference on married versus unmarried couples if couples are living together. It is essentially as if they are married.
Small miscommunication gaps during this time can escalate very quickly. The lockdown will be a telling test — to see if they can soothe themselves and find ways to be there for each other. Can they grow together or does the relationship crumble?
For couples specifically, this is an additional test to see if their relationship is strong enough to withstand the pressures of the pandemic world. There’s no difference on married versus unmarried couples if couples are living together. It is essentially as if they are married.
Small miscommunication gaps during this time can escalate very quickly. The lockdown will be a telling test — to see if they can soothe themselves and find ways to be there for each other. Can they grow together or does the relationship crumble?
5. Do you believe that the divorce rates in Canada and the United States will go up, once the lockdowns are lifted?
Divorce rates in Canada and the USA will most likely increase after the lockdowns are lifted and legal system is restored for civilian needs.
6. Do you have any specific advice for what couples can do to strengthen their relationship during the lockdown?
Yes, I have lots of advice on this!
They can follow my Instagram account for daily tidbits that will enable them to:
They can follow my Instagram account for daily tidbits that will enable them to:
- Learn about their own fears, insecurities, and subconscious beliefs
- Apply tools and strategies to reduce the barriers to relationship success
- Build healthier and happier relationships
7. How will the attachment styles play out during lockdown?
Generally speaking…
Anxious attachment will need more quality time, physical comfort, and reassurance and will primarily turn to their partners for this, and may come off as demanding.
Avoidant attachment will need more space, downtime, and solo activities. They will likely turn away from their partners to fulfill their own needs, but will generally not communicate this to their partners.
Anxious attachment will need more quality time, physical comfort, and reassurance and will primarily turn to their partners for this, and may come off as demanding.
Avoidant attachment will need more space, downtime, and solo activities. They will likely turn away from their partners to fulfill their own needs, but will generally not communicate this to their partners.
|
Secure partners take responsibility to meet their own needs, and simultaneously communicate and request what is needed from partners in a healthy way.
Reflections
As I reflect upon Sabrina's responses and the general traits of the different attachment styles, I can see clearly that I am an "avoidant" in all my relationships, not just in my current romantic or love relationship. I indeed struggle to identify the needs of my partner and, above all else, value my independence, freedom and flexibility. I also enjoy solo activities, which is my way of observing "downtime". These traits can fuel rather than fumigate my partner's anxieties, if left unchecked. Therefore, it is on me to self-correct by seeking to understand, seeking to empathize, seeking to be present for my partner and her needs, and giving her more quality to time.
Will the big bad virus lead to more breakups in society? Will the lockdown cause the final breakdown in my relationship? I don't know. In the end, if behavioral science and spirituality have taught me anything, it is this: we are only responsible for doing the inner and outer work to become more conscious, compassionate, supportive and whole, while surrendering the results to God. Namaste.
Will the big bad virus lead to more breakups in society? Will the lockdown cause the final breakdown in my relationship? I don't know. In the end, if behavioral science and spirituality have taught me anything, it is this: we are only responsible for doing the inner and outer work to become more conscious, compassionate, supportive and whole, while surrendering the results to God. Namaste.
Foreword and reflections by Aly Alidina
Share this article
About AyuroomsAyurooms is your gateway to India's best resorts for Ayurveda, yoga and holistic health. We help you to find the best wellness resort for your health goals, time availability and budget. We work with you on a one-to-one basis to plan your journey to India from start to finish, including complimentary assistance with the Indian visa process and booking flights. Whatever needs you have, Ayurooms is here to serve and support you on your wellness journey. We are your best friend in India. Learn more
|
|